If by the time you read this, you are a guy and closer to rodent than primate because you haven't bought the woman in your life a Valentine's Day gift, do not despair.
Surely, you do not craft homemade cards from your kids' construction paper. You have spent your walking around money on beer. The floorboards of your car are covered with losing lottery tickets, coffee cups and Honey Bun wrappers.
Men who buy Valentine's gifts in advance are not real men, but lost causes in sweater vests who sniff wine corks, ask women about their feelings, buy cars because of the economy and spend Saturdays buying tiny dogs doggie-sweaters. Men who buy Valentine's gifts in advance all root for the University of North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team.
But real men need help to save the day in a hurry.
Real men need help not to know what to buy this morning -- as you sneak out, claiming to be going to the grocery store -- but what not to buy so that your clothes are not piled at the curb 10 minutes after you give that gift of love.
Do not give:
• Appliances. No clothes irons, can openers, washing machines, electric knives. If it has an electric cord, do not even think about it. My brother-in-law once bought my sister a juicer, and he still sleeps on the couch.
Fishing gear. Even if your sweetheart is a professional fisherwoman or just gets up early on Saturday to fish for crappie, do not get her worms, lures or any kind of bait. The word "crappie" will be used, but not describing fish.
Uncooked food. The words: "Earline, I brung a big country ham!" then hinting that your buddies are coming over Sunday to watch the Daytona 500 means you should drive to Daytona, Fla., and sleep on the beach, because you sure ain't sleeping at home.
Sports tickets. Just like fishing, even if your squeeze loves basketball, do not get her Hornets tickets, Winthrop tickets or even tickets to watch the NCAA Final Four. She will shred those expensive tickets, and you will be out both money and roof.
Restaurant meals bought with coupons. Using that $2 off coupon tonight or the one for the free rack of ribs with the purchase of a pulled pork plate will mean you need a doggie bag, because you are a dog, and you will eat those leftovers in the doghouse.
Cleaning supplies. Coming home from the grocery store with laundry detergent or bleach is certain to have you on the floor scrubbing the tile yourself.
Beer. Even if your wife's mother loves to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon out of the can -- while munching chips and pretzels and chain-smoking Winstons -- offering up beer will certainly mean the mother-in-law will stay on that couch forever. And she won't give you even one beer.
Home-cooked meals made with Vienna sausages, potted meat or any other meat made from the recipe on the back of its can. "Breakfast!" will be greeted with: "Out!" Those sweetheart-type men will offer up pan-seared fish, fresh grilled vegetables, gluten-free bread and wine spritzers. They will be loved by their women. You know all fish should be fried, all vegetables deep-fried or cooked on the stove with ham hock, all bread should be biscuits, and spritzers are what politicians spend tax dollars on at conferences paid for with your money. But crumbled canned sausage in pan-gravy offered up as breakfast in bed will not make you Husband of the Year.
Shoes bought at a thrift store or consignment store. Even if those golf shoes or boots are your wife's size, bringing home shoes already worn, wrapped in a double-bagged grocery sack, is sure to mean you will need your own walking shoes to walk to the nearest motel.
Flea market jewelry. Bling that turns your wife's skin green will turn her face green with rage.
A card that was free with a socket set bought at the hardware store. You will need that socket set to loosen the locks on your front door.
Dys' advice: This isn't going to happen
