The op-ed pieces in the Herald and elsewhere are clear: North Carolina’s House, Senate and governor want to join us folks in South Carolina down at the bottom of the social, political and economic barrel. Well, come on down. Misery loves company, as they say. We wallow in our mediocrity here in the Palmetto State, and Tar Heels can learn to do the same. It will take a little getting used to, living in a third world country. Here are a few tips for N.C. on how to make the transition – and remember, nobody said it would be easy.
First, get rid of any socialist notion you might have that health care is a right. Long ago we accepted the idea that you must be worthy of the expense. If you are poor and have no access to decent care, it’s because you are poor and don’t deserve it. Anyone who really tries can get an aspirin and a Band-aid. Sick kids are a bit of a problem, but we in S.C. have proven that decent people can live with them if we simply ignore them.
Learn to put the proper spin on high unemployment and lousy paying jobs. The bottom line is that they are good for business and what’s good for business is good for S.C. Title loan companies, payday lenders and student loan collectors are among our finest enterprises. Build more golf courses. We have hundreds of them. You’ll be amazed how exciting it can be to putt that little white ball into the hole. It would also create jobs for caddies who otherwise would be flipping burgers.
Create more gated communities for the well-heeled locals and the affluent Yankees who move South for low taxes and cheap McMansions. You see lots of gated houses here in S.C. (Honduras and Nicaragua set the standard.) It keeps the peasants in their place and out of ours. With your cuts in social programs, you Tar Heels will be creating a new peasant class, so you need to be proactive to keep them at bay. Otherwise, they could be trouble.
By all means clamp down on those Hispanics. Our fine state is swarming with them. Can you imagine, they want to be citizens. They want to vote in our elections. They want drivers’ licenses. OMG, they want amnesty. But most of all they want a handout. So give them a swift kick in the rear and a one-way ticket to Mexico City – or Massachusetts.
Put a fiscal squeeze on anything that has the word public in it. Public schools, public libraries, public health clinics, etc. You get the picture. Public is bad, private is good…and good for you. Put UNC-Chapel Hill on the chopping block. Sure, it’s a first-rate university, but we have proven time and again that we don’t want or need first-rate higher education. You can get along without it too. Hell, you won’t even miss it.
Squelch those Moral Monday protesters at the General Assembly. Make your NAACP go passive, like ours here in S.C. From down here, your NAACP looks like nothing but trouble. Old Jesse Helms was right about outside agitators and uppity blacks. He must spin in his grave every Monday when they protest. Put a Confederate flag up on the grounds of your Legislature. It will make him feel better.
Put more religion into your public arenas. Copy us here in Rock Hill and pray to Jesus before every public meeting. But play it smart like our mayor and city council, and pray before the meeting officially opens. That way you don’t get into trouble with the ACLU or the flaming atheists who hate Jesus. And don’t give up on creating an official state religion (and I don’t mean Islam). We can win that fight, with God’s help.
Finally, cut back even further on food stamps and unemployment benefits. Hell, half our population down here are free-loaders. Would you believe they drive up to Food Lion in pink Cadillacs, walk in dressed in Tommy Hilfiger outfits and walk out with buggies filled with Cokes, potato chips and Gallo wine? If you are lucky, you will have a better class of poor people, but down here we suspect they really are all the same.
Well, best of luck, North Carolina. Change is never easy, but stick to your guns (it’s your Constitutional right, you know). And don’t worry about the naysayers. They are truly the scum of the earth. Let them eat Twinkies.
Have a blessed day.
Wayne Clark is a Rock Hill resident.