Glover watches White House crumble in '2012'

By Rick Warner

It's hard to say which is a bigger disaster — the cataclysmic destruction of Earth in Roland Emmerich's “2012” or the movie itself.

At the screening I attended with a regular audience, people howled with laughter at some of the most serious scenes. This is not a good sign for a film that's supposed to scare you to death.

Emmerich, the director and co-writer (with Harald Kloser), regurgitates every disaster-movie cliche in this mindless, endless waste of 151 minutes and a distinguished cast including John Cusack, Oliver Platt, Danny Glover, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Woody Harrelson and Amanda Peet.

Emmerich specializes in loud, cheesy spectacles (“Independence Day,” “The Day After Tomorrow”), but he's hit rock bottom with “2012,” the doomsday year supposedly predicted by the ancient Mayans. The movie is so laughable that it could be mistaken for a genre spoof such as “Airplane!” or “The Naked Gun” series.

The jumbled editing makes it hard to tell what's happening, the acting is breathlessly over-the-top and the dialogue is cornier than a birthday-party magician. The special effects, which get more screen time than any actor, are spectacular but not always convincing.

he Washington Monument, White House, Sistine Chapel and Air Force One are wrecked with computer-generated tricks, but Emmerich can't figure out how to make a fake backdrop of the Chinese countryside look real. Some shots reminded me of those old movies where a painted sky or field is shown through the window of a moving car.

Cusack stars as a failed novelist and divorced dad. He learns about a plan to save an elite group of government officials and wealthy businessmen when the planet is destroyed by a seismic geological shift triggering massive earthquakes and tsunamis.

Platt is a cynical aide to the U.S. president (Glover), Ejiofor plays a scientific whiz who lobbies to save as many people as possible, and Harrelson is a wild-eyed radio host broadcasting prophetic messages from his camper in Yellowstone National Park. There's also a Russian tycoon and his blond girlfriend, straight from the Boris and Natasha caricature school.

Most of them race toward China, where they hope to board giant ships that will shelter them from the storm. By then, it's too late for the viewer. Disaster has already struck.

“2012,” from Columbia Pictures, opens tomorrow across the U.S. Rating: *

‘Pirate Radio'

In the mid-1960s, the British government was so uptight about rebellious youth that it restricted radio broadcasts of rock music to about two hours per week. This gave rise to “pirate radio,” a group of rogue deejays who played the Beatles, Rolling Stones and other groups mostly shunned by the BBC from ships anchored outside U.K. territorial waters.

“Pirate Radio” is a rambling comedy loosely based on one of those outlaw stations. Its quirky characters include Philip Seymour Hoffman as a rambunctious American known as The Count, Bill Nighy as the station's imperturbable owner, Emma Thompson as one of Nighy's former flames, Rhys Ifans as a legendary disc jockey and ladies' man, and Kenneth Branagh as a loathsome government official who tries to force them off the air.

Writer/director Richard Curtis gets overly cute at times and a subplot about a young man searching for the father he's never met is strained. But the boisterous, bohemian spirit of the movie is infectious. When Hoffman and Ifans jump from the masthead in a macho showdown, it's a celebration of unrestrained freedom.

The soundtrack includes songs by The Who, The Kinks, Otis Redding, Cream, Jimi Hendrix, The Beach Boys and Procol Harum. They're the real stars of the movie.

“Pirate Radio,” from Focus Features, opens tomorrow across the U.S. Rating: **1/2