Why? Well, maybe it’s because network TV consists of these six shows.

MYSTERY DRAMA: You take a group of people with their own personal demons and each week they try to solve a mystery. Throw in a few guest stars and some ongoing personal stories, and there you go.

IF WE RAN TV: “Frank” — An angst-ridden ex-cop who suffers from a different psychosomatic ailment each week (lisp, limp, blindness, erectile dysfunction, etc.) works with his beautiful, yet romantically challenged, partner to solve unsolved missing children cases in a private hospital. Oh and his boss is a crusty old guy who swears a lot.

CHARACTER DRAMA: Get some reasonably attractive people, give them a setting such as a hospital or any place with money, and watch them try to have sex with each other. You should also throw in at least one murder per season. This is pretty much every other drama on TV

IF WE RAN TV: “The Web” — A sexy drama about the beautiful people who work at an Internet gossip magazine, or maybe it’s a hospital. (Does it really matter?) There’s a really good-looking guy and he’s in love with a girl, but she doesn’t know if she can trust him and his ex shows up as the new boss or something. Plus, the boss is a crusty old lady who swears a lot.

SITCOM: With this you have a straight-laced lead character with a comic foil and put them in funny mix-up situations. Make sure that the script is full of zingers too. You can’t have comedy on American TV unless you have sarcastic remarks!

IF WE RAN TV: “Buster and Crabbe” — A down on his luck writer moves in with his crusty old guy of a father (who swears a lot) and tries to find love and success, but is thwarted at every step by the meddling of his well-meaning father. The neighbors include a really hot lingerie model and a talking chimpanzee named “Feathers.”

TALENT CONTEST: This is “American Idol” and all of its copies. Give Americans a chance to make idiots out of themselves on TV for a few seconds, take the few with any semblance of talent, let them compete in front of judges and let viewers call in to vote for their favorites.

IF WE RAN TV: “Dancing with Prostitutes” — Average Americans compete for big prizes by doing dance numbers with actual street prostitutes that they have to pick up every week. The winning prostitute each week gets a free medical check-up and a first-class plane ticket back to her home in Eastern Europe.

REALITY CHALLENGE: Whether it’s in pairs or individually, hopelessly desperate Americans vie for prizes by facing various challenges concocted by intelligence-challenged TV producers. They also get to complain for a few minutes every week on national TV.

IF WE RAN TV: “Run For Your Life” — Overweight contestants are sent on a cross-country race to lose weight as they are chased by crusty bounty hunters (who swear occasionally) and anorexic lingerie models (who swear a lot!). If caught, they are Tasered and hog-tied.

NEWS SHOW: Whatever semi-attractive news anchor they’ve drug up from the minors is given some stupid thing to report on, and they drag it out for an hour. Most shows revolve around attractive white missing girls, corporate rip-offs and guys who like to have sex with teenage girls.

IF WE RAN TV: “To Catch a Teenage Girl Who Wants to Have Sex With Older Guys for Booze and Drugs” (OK, maybe we could work on the title) — Every week, they set up a sting operation to find teenage girls who troll the Internet looking for older guys who will buy them weed and vodka. Then, they catch them on tape as they let what they think are strange men who want to have sex into their homes while their parents are away.

Contact Rich Macialek at rmaciale@centredaily.com.