So Timmy the Tree looks over at his lifelong nemesis, Tommy the Tree with the pink "X" painted on his bark and says, "Hope you like being plywood. Shouldn't have made fun of my pimply bark when we were kids."
Timmy the Tree has a white "X" painted on him. A few weeks ago, a surveyor put that white "X" on him. Timmy gulped and drew what he thought was among his last drinks from the soil. Terry the Tree, next to him on the other side with no " X" at all said, "You lose, buddy. Shouldn't have tried to sneak around with that girlfriend pine of mine I had my eye on."
But thankfully for Timmy, the surveyor initially was wrong. A new survey in recent days has landed a bunch of new "X" marks in white. Those with a white "X" would live, those without an "X" were in great shape and those with a pink "X" meant don't forward the mail.
This happened because all three pines -- ugly, spindly conifers that look like buzzard-picked bones -- were unfortunate enough to grow up and live in the four corners of the intersection of Interstate 77 and Dave Lyle Boulevard that are not concrete or pavement. You know the area -- those green spots with the tall pines inside the areas of exit and entrance ramps that look like 30-foot swizzle sticks with those colored streamers on them that have stirred a million cocktails.
All grew wild after the area was razed to make the highway interchange years ago. The seeds grew into trees, but that was before money came to the neighborhood.
Moneyed neighbors along the interstate on all four corners means somebody has to go. Those issued the last rites are 123 pines. A lucky 228 pines will live to breathe exhaust more days.
How did 228 pine trees get saved, while 123 other pines end up "Marked for Death" like in the great Steven Seagal movie before Seagal got fat?
Many years ago, the Dave Lyle interchange had little business around it. But then it boomed, as Timmy, Tommy and Terry grew. The city of Rock Hill wanted to make the interchange look nicer, so the city applied for a state Department of Transportation grant. The word "Gateway," followed by action of city and state, always requires a follow by taxpayer money in the millions.
"Adopt an Interchange program," is what Phil Okey, project manager for this adoption, called it.
This adoption would cost more than $1 million, with the state DOT throwing in most of the money. The city of Rock Hill would kick in another $300,000.
The city plan of four years ago called for brush to be cleared and some trees in those four corners of the interchange to get the ax.
"Sightlines for businesses," is how Doug Echols, Rock Hill's mayor, described it.
Even with all the pines there -- not a leaf of a mighty oak or other stately tree in sight -- there was some view of the businesses from the highway. But business owners in that area, led by developer Ralph Norman -- who happened to be a state representative at the time -- asked for all trees to be cut when questioning whether the $1 million-plus for improvements was worth it to begin with.
"We wanted complete visibility," said Norman, a developer who still owns valuable property out near the interchange.
A political battle ensued between the city and the businesses, with Tommy, Timmy and Terry -- the trees -- literally caught in the middle. Echols and others said clear cutting would never happen. Terry and Timmy and Tommy all breathed a sigh of relief.
Tree-huggers including the liberal media chimed in and blamed Norman for using his political position to aid his position. Norman balked at his detractors and claimed -- and still does -- that he was just doing what any businessman would do, and that others around him also wanted better sight from the highway.
Finally, a compromise was found. Some trees would go, others would stay.
The city demanded that Norman foot the bill for cutting down the trees and Norman said fine, he had offered that for years anyway. As soon as the weather clears this week and the ground isn't so soft, Norman's crews will cut the trees marked with a pink "X" off at ground level and cart them off. Many dollars worth of taxpayer-funded landscaping is to come after. A finish is expected by spring, Okey said.
Two monuments in the shape of bell towers, costing city taxpayers about $170,000, will be right there in the mix. Make a Gateway, one must have bell towers.
The pattern adopted for the trees is called a "fishbone," said DOT vegetation manager Ken Caldwell, a forester and certified arborist. That means Caldwell is, in his words, "a tree guy." DOT owns the property and had to approve the compromise, Caldwell said.
The fishbone patterns mean as vehicles wheel by at 60 mph, more than 20,000 drivers on I-77 each day will be able to see through the alleys that are the fish's ribs.
"Especially at night," Caldwell said, the view for potential business customers is much better.
Caldwell said sometimes "cutting trees is a no-win situation. Some want them all gone. Some want it left alone."
Some trees met their demise more than a year ago. Those names are lost forever.
"There are still going to be quite a few trees there," Caldwell said.
Tommy the Tree with the white X will be one left. It is rumored he is going into public service because there are millions in landscape dollars out there, but only after his white "X" fades out and he no longer is ashamed to show his bark. Terry the Tree will be left because he never had an "X" of any color and can hide among his brethren. Good thing, too. I heard Terry drank more water than allowed during the drought and was going to get busted by the drought cops.
But for old Timmy the Tree, today could be it. Or tomorrow, he meets the chipper. Hopefully, Timmy has made his peace with his maker.
Years ago, a feisty reader named Bill Vannordstrand wrote a great letter in The Herald's "Voice of the People" where he wondered what almost $1.5 million worth of cut trees and shrubs would look like.
"I still wanna know," said Vannordstrand, a retired salesman. "Fish pattern, huh? What kinda fish?"
Caldwell did not say what kind of fish the million-dollar tree pattern is. I offer carp. Or crappie.
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