Father's Day is a sham.
The father gets one day a year. That is too much. The mother gets one day, plus the laundry, the worry, the stress.
The single father gets a story in the paper. The single mother gets a second job.
Let's compare the mother versus the father.
Never miss a local story.
Mother, while mopping the floor: "Hand me a diaper so I can change the baby."
Father, while flipping through the cable channels: "I'll run to the store to get more diapers."
He returns two hours later, with a new saw, a dozen doughnuts, and no diapers.
Mother, while making the father and kids supper: "Want corn or beans with the meatloaf?"
Father, grabbing his car keys: "McDonald's or CiCi's Pizza?"
Mother is expecting to run late at work: "Can you get the kids from day care?"
Father, in a message left somewhere in every neighborhood, every day: "Can't honey, got this big meeting that could last hours, I'll be home late, bye." Father gets home at 11 p.m., glassy-eyed, claims the matchbook with the nightclub emblem on it found in his pocket was picked up in the vestibule at church after he left Bible study.
Mother, mopping the kitchen floor: "Can you move your feet?"
Father, while talking to bookie on the phone: "SHH! No, not you, Diamond Jim. I was talking to my wife."
Mother looks at bank statement: "What is this? $279 for golf lessons. The orthodontist hasn't been paid yet this month."
Father: "The guys want to road trip to Yankee Stadium this weekend. Tell the orthodontist we moved."
Mother: "Can anybody in this house wash a dish?"
Father: "We got any paper plates?"
Mother: "Son, you cannot punch Billy in the face when he calls you a horse's butt."
Father; "Good for you, kid. Didja draw blood?"
Mother: "Can anybody in this house do a load of laundry?
Father, to wife: "Why didn't you pick up my shirts at the dry cleaner on the way home?"
Mother: "Great job, honey, you did your best. Go, sweetheart!"
Father: "Ref, ya bum! What are you trying to do, give my kid a complex?"
Mother: "Ride your bikes today, kids, get some exercise."
Father: "Who wants Dairy Queen?"
Mother: "Can anybody here clean up a mess?"
Father: "I take out the garbage! Now pipe down, 'SportsCenter' is on."
Mother: "Do you love him, dear? Does he make you happy? Does he make you see stars?"
Father: "How much is this damn wedding gonna cost me? Can't you just go get married in front of the probate judge?"
Mother: "Who left the toilet seat up?"
Father: "The kids."
Mother: "We only have girls."
Father: "Don't care. Wasn't me."
Mothers get to braid the hair, give the baths, fold the sheets, talk to the teacher about the rotten kids and wonderful kids. Fathers get to say, "That's my kid!" when the kid scores the winning shot, then go for a celebratory drink with the buddies.
Mothers get to read the report card and demand better.
Fathers get to read "Goodnight Moon" with the tiny kid head on his shoulder, then get the last kiss goodnight.
Celebrate Father's Day? Fathers ought to be thankful we aren't put out on the street with a suitcase.