To: Knights Stadium Ideas, c/o York County Manager, PO Box 66, 6 S. Congress St., York, SC 29745 From: York County's most handsome, gracious, charming, selfless and concerned citizen
You asked, York County bigshots, so here it is. You asked everybody -- including me -- what to do with the Knights Stadium property in Fort Mill owned by the taxpayers.
This is a place, Knights Stadium, where the baseball team that plays there is called the Charlotte Knights -- even though the stadium is not in Charlotte, or even the same state as Charlotte. Charlotte wants the team but won't pay for a new stadium in what is called "Center City" by the smart set that eats $27 pizza with pork cheeks on it. We have the stadium, yet no pork cheek pizza. And the Charlotte smart set won't come south except to buy fireworks.
1. Move the airport. The neighbors around the Rock Hill/York County Airport raised such a ruckus over any proposed expansion. Just put the airport in the stadium parking lot. Keep the stadium as a hangar that sells fireworks and lottery tickets and pecan logs and cheap trinkets. Don't tell the neighbors off Gold Hill Road about the airport. Have politicians claim the jets are big buzzards.
2. Rename the stadium Knights Castle, just like it used to be. York County's smart set wants an equestrian center, right? Have jousting on horseback, fights to the death, for those people ticketed for jaywalking in downtown Rock Hill. The winner gets equestrian lessons. The loser gets a pine box.
3. Make the stadium the world's largest dog run. Require county politicians to carry pooper-scoopers.
4. Build a jail. Charlotte has so many criminals getting busted here selling dope and breaking into houses, we might as well house them closer to the border so relatives can stop in for easy visits or to smuggle in contraband.
5. Make the stadium the world's first "all smoking section." County and city politicians are set to enact a smoking ban for all public places, so why not make the place a giant ashtray? It is outside, and the wind will blow the smoke into North Carolina.
6. York County graduation stage. Cops arrest people every year in York County for cheering at high school graduations at Winthrop's Coliseum. This happens nowhere but Russia, Iran and Rock Hill, S.C. Yet so many say lock up the criminals, the cheers ruin it for others. Charge admission, use the replay screen in center field to show over and over the police leading cuffed cheerers off to jail. Get attendees to do "The Wave," but silently.
7. Build the World's Largest Waffle House. Fort Mill has no Waffle House. You can't be Southern, and a place, truly, without a Waffle House.
8. Build a theme park and change the name of the place and team to "Charlotte Nights." Show a picture of a deserted street and some flabby banker in an SUV. Replay 911 calls to the cops over noisy July 4 fireworks and kids' opening up Christmas presents early. Show movies of Carolinas Panthers fans in their normal state: Quiet, shirt-wearing, well-mannered coma. Show Charlotte Bobcats fans in their normal state: empty seats. Show Charlotte Knights fans in their normal state: If you find somebody from York County who is a Knights fan, please call the county manager. A missing person report was filed years ago.