Soaking the Saudis will make me flush

I'm no longer worried about the sagging economy. I have the perfect get-rich scheme: Selling tiny Chihuahuas to the Saudis.

This will work, trust me. And I have the Saudi Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice to thank for it.

You probably are aware that the shortest route to a girl's heart is via a cute puppy. You've seen the guys cruising the beach with their golden retrievers, throwing sticks into the waves for the dog to fetch -- in front of a beach blanket full of bikini-clad coeds.

The scenario then unfolds as it inevitably must:

Bikini-clad coed: "So, what's his name?"

Guy: "Ralph."

Coed: "Aw, what a cute name! Come here, Ralphie-doggie-poochie-pooh!"

Guy: "He likes to be scratched under his chin."

Coed: "Neat! Will you take me back to your beach house and make mad love to me?"

Works every time. In fact, before I came up with the Chihuahua plan, I was thinking about setting up an oceanside dog-rental operation for desperate guys. I was going to call it, "No abs? Try Labs."

But now I'm off to Riyadh with a mated pair of Chihuahuas, neither of them bigger than a hamster. This can't fail.

It seems that Americans aren't the only ones who are aware that pets can be used to attract girls. Apparently, agents of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice -- the Saudi religious police who enforce strict Islamic code and tamp down any illicit hanky panky -- also are on to this trick.

And that's why the Saudis recently banned selling dogs and cats as pets, as well as walking them in public.

The commission's general manager, Othman al-Othman, told the Associated Press that the ban is necessary because of "the rising phenomenon of men using cats and dogs to make passes at women and pester families" as well as the all-purpose "violating proper behavior in public squares and malls."

Henceforth, if a man is caught in public walking his pet, the pet will immediately be confiscated, and the man will be forced to sign a document pledging not to do it again. If he is caught pet-walking a second time, "he will be referred to authorities," said the authorities.

I don't even want to try to imagine what a third offense might bring. No doubt something involving scimitars and chopping.

I'm presuming that most of the offenses have involved dogs. Anyone who has ever tried to walk a cat knows they can be uncooperative. Unlike dogs, who generally are all too willing to go along with the program and serve as unwitting accomplices in seduction, cats do whatever they please. And that could include biting and clawing the girl you're trying to seduce.

What amorous Saudi men need is -- ta-da! -- a dog that is small enough to hide in one's pocket at the first sighting of an agent from the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice. And when the coast is clear, out comes the Chihuahua.

Burka-clad oppressed female: "What's his name?"

Guy: "Akbar"

Female: "Aw, such a cute name! Come her, little Akie-Bakie-booboo!"

Guy: He likes to be scratched under his chin if you can find it.

Female: "May I become a member of your harem?"

You might be wondering how I can sell my little doggies without running afoul of the Saudi vice cops. Well, you'll notice that the ban prohibits selling dogs and cats "as pets."

I will be selling my tiny Chihuahuas as hors d'oeuvres. Then, if guys want to use them for another purpose, that's their business.

I've also thought of a catchy name for my new enterprise: "Is that a Chihuahua in your pocket ...?"

I'll be the Chihuahua king of Riyadh! And it will serve a worthy cause.

We can't let a bunch of fuddy-duddy mullahs stand in the way of true love, can we?

This story was originally published August 1, 2008 at 12:03 AM with the headline "Soaking the Saudis will make me flush."