No way to kick an addiction to politics

This is about politics but it isn't political. It's about political obsession.

Last night, soon after I got home, I switched on the TV to check out what the cable news pundits were saying about the presidential election. Made a drink, watched a little "Crossfire." Fixed dinner, watched a little "Countdown." Post dinner, clicked around to see what O'Reilly was fulminating about; visited Larry King to see who he was interviewing; spent some time with Rachel Maddow; cruised over to Anderson Cooper 360; took a peek at the "Daily Show" ... and, suddenly, it's time for bed.

I have been doing this nearly every night for about the past year and a half. After debates or on the nights when primary results were rolling in, I often would stay up into the wee hours of the morning, listening to the commentators, historians, campaign flacks, senators and congressmen, statistical experts and plain old reporters dissecting the outcome, projecting what would happen next, spinning the numbers to flatter their candidates.

Every day, I would go to Internet sites such as RealClear Politics, Politico and Slate to read what the candidates were up to and what the chattering class had to say about it. I read polls and stories about the races in important swing states. I watched videos of campaign ads and whistlestop speeches. I read what columnists were saying about other columnists.

I couldn't get enough politics. Still can't. There must be one more Internet site, one more incisive commentary, one more elusive fact about the campaign out there somewhere. Must keep searching! Must not sleep!

This may be exhausting, I tell myself, but it's edifying. I'm doing what every red-blooded American should be doing: I'm becoming a hyper-informed voter. It is my patriotic duty.

And then I run into people who are, shall we say, less diligent than I am. They have never heard of Barack Obama's gaffe about middle-class Americans clinging to their guns. They know nothing about Sarah Palin's "Troopergate" problems. Some of them haven't even figured out who they are going to vote for yet.

What? Are you kidding me? After more than a year of primary campaigning, nearly 30 debates (all of which I watched, by the way), months of campaigning by the nominees, two four-day-long party conventions and they don't know who they are going to vote for? Have these people been living in a cave?

And then, just as my outrage peaks and the top of my head is about to pop like a champagne cork, I have an epiphany: Maybe I'm the weird one.

Among the many commentaries I read recently, one noted that this campaign will not be decided by the political fiends who stay up all night watching cable TV. The writer could have been pointing his stubby finger at me, shouting, "And that means you, buster!"

Apparently, according to informed sources, many Americans are just now "tuning in" to this campaign. They're looking the candidates over to see where they stand. Meanwhile, the candidates are "introducing" themselves to all these voters who, all of a sudden, are starting to focus on the campaign.

And these voters -- these slowpokes, these laggards, these party-crashers -- are going to be the ones who decide this election? These Rip Van Winkles are going to wake up from their naps, yawn, stretch a bit, walk over to the voting booth and choose the next president?

Sorry, but that just isn't fair. Do these stragglers realize how much work I've put into observing this campaign? Do they have any idea how many hours I've devoted to listening to boring speeches, watching debates involving candidates who had about as much chance as Amy Winehouse of being elected president?

That's right, I was watching when Mike Gravel and Tom Tancredo were still in the race!

Oops, I guess I was saying that out loud while I was typing it. People in the office are giving me funny looks. OK, I'm smiling. It was just a joke. Just kidding. Go back to work.

I'm leaving now. Got to get home and watch the news.

Good Lord, what am I going to do on Nov. 5?

This story was originally published September 18, 2008 at 11:51 PM with the headline "No way to kick an addiction to politics."