Ask Mr. Dad: Spanking gets results but all the wrong kinds

Dear Mr. Dad: I was over at a friend’s house and was surprised to see her spanking her 4-year-old. I’ve never hit any of my kids and don’t have any plans to do so. But after taking an informal poll of other parents I know, I was surprised to find that I’m actually in the minority. Should I rethink my no-spanking policy?

Please don’t.

There’s some debate about whether an actual majority of parents spank their children. For example, one study found that while 62 percent of parents in the South admit to having spanked their children, only 41 percent of parents in the rest of the country have.

And according to a recent study done by researchers at Columbia University, 57 percent of moms and 40 percent of dads engaged in spanking when their children were 3 years old, and 52 percent of moms and 33 percent of dads were still spanking when their kids were 5.

But let’s not quibble over semantics: Way too many parents are hitting their children – and it needs to stop.

I know I’m going to hear from a lot of readers who will swear up and down that spanking works. And they’re right. Spanking definitely gets the child’s attention and will usually get him or her to immediately do what you say.

That’s great in the moment, but what about future moments?

Study after study has found a connection between corporal punishment and a variety of negative outcomes. The Columbia researchers found that 5-year olds who are spanked by their mothers – even rarely – are more likely to act out aggressively at age 9. Five-year-olds who are frequently spanked by their father have smaller vocabularies at age 9.

And it just gets worse from there.

Children who get spanked are more likely to cheat and lie, become depressed, have poor relationships with their parents, bully other kids, abuse their own children and see violence as a way to resolve their problems – not the message we want to send at a time when terrorists are committing violent atrocities all over the world.

The goal of any kind of discipline is to teach the child to ultimately become self-disciplined. Clearly, spanking doesn’t do the job. So rather than rethink your no-spanking policy, try some of these battle-tested approaches.

▪ Help your child develop moral judgment. For example, instead of “Don’t pull the dog’s ears,” say, “Why might pulling the dog’s ears be a bad idea?” Doing this teaches children to think, not just obey. And the more practice they get at moral reasoning, the less they’ll need correction in the first place.

▪ Catch them doing well and being good. Give children incentives for good behavior, and you’ll find yourself dealing with a lot less bad behavior.

▪ Express disappointment. Your approval means more to your kids than you may think. Simply saying “I was so disappointed by the way you acted” can go a long way toward getting the behavior you want and expect.

▪ Ask for explanations. Instead of giving a child a time-out, have your child tell you not just what she did that was wrong, but why it was wrong – again, to exercise that moral judgment.

▪ Suspend privileges. Make sure your kids know the difference between rights (food, clothing, shelter) and privileges (staying up late, going to the mall, reading time before bed, Xbox, personal freedom, dessert, etc.). Making privileges contingent on good behavior can work better than spanking.

Spankings are over in a few seconds, after all. Suspended privileges can go on making the point for hours, days, or weeks.

This story was originally published October 30, 2015 at 10:00 AM with the headline "Ask Mr. Dad: Spanking gets results but all the wrong kinds."