Words of Faith: We must hold each other with grace

“I love him like a brother” can mean that there is deep love between two people. It is also sometimes used before the word “but,” followed by all the reasons the speaker dislikes or disapproves of the subject.

What does it mean to “love like a brother (or sister)?” I was blessed to be born into a family where, somehow, we all ended up loving each other … and liking each other. We enjoy being together, laugh a lot and can work through whatever comes up. When the last of our parents died, my siblings (and stepbrothers, since it was their mom who died) all sat down together in this house of mixed belongings – some were my stepmoms, some had been my dad’s (who died several years earlier) and some were theirs together. Our parents’ instructions were clear, but didn’t cover every possibility, so we had to figure it out.

When we sat down, each of us could affirm the statement, “When this is over, the most important thing to me is that we each feel good about each other, and we each feel good about our process together.” Since we all were in agreement on that, the rest of it was just stuff – things that our parents owned, some of which we loved, but still just things – not imbued with excessive emotion or attachment. I understand that my being in such a family is less accomplishment, and more gift.

Not all families can do that. I am NOT disparaging such families. Indeed, I am intimately aware of and involved with some. The history there is fraught with conflict and pain. The loss of parents is the end of the ties that the siblings have with each other, so every decision is wrapped up with power, ego and emotion. Furniture is not just stuff, but another thing over which to wrangle. The sadness of the loss of parents gets lost in the pain of the fragile and fragmented sibling relationship.

These sibling struggles are not new. They have been present throughout history. We only have to get through three chapters of the Bible before we run into it. In the fourth chapter, we read about the brothers Cain, the agriculturally inclined one, and Abel, the herdsman. The Jewish, Christian and Islamic traditions all read and study this story, where ego and jealousy lead to the first murder recorded in Scripture.

There are many lenses through which this passage is viewed. It is seen in terms of the development of civilization, the gradual settling into agriculture, replacing hunter-gatherer ways of life (another conflict which remains. I’m singing “Oh, the Farmer and the Cowboy Can Be Friends,” from the musical “Oklahoma” as I write this.) But regardless of the lens, we have, at the core, the prototypical story of brotherly un-love, based in competition, jealousy and ego. We see it played out between siblings, and between countries. It us, unfortunately, our human story.

I do believe, however, that it is a description, and not a prescription for humanity. It describes how we are, but not how we are intended to be. We believe in a God of love, we trust in a God of healing and wholeness. There is no magic, and miracles seem to be rare and slow, but God is at work among us. That does NOT mean that we keep putting ourselves into situations that are dangerous for us, physically or emotionally. It might mean that we withdraw from that which prolongs the conflict.

But it certainly means that we must hold each other with grace, knowing that “brother” is not synonymous with love or support. It might mean that we view conflict, between siblings or between countries, with a longer lens. It might mean that we become more honest about our brokenness as people, families and countries, and seek the God who makes us whole.

This story was originally published October 5, 2015 at 9:46 AM with the headline "Words of Faith: We must hold each other with grace."