Words of Faith: It’s OK to accept help when you need it

It’s not weakness to accept help from others.

For example, take this Jewish mother joke:

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? NONE, because they will say, “Oh NO, dear, don’t worry about me. I’ll just sit here in the dark.”

Insert exasperated sigh here.

I labeled that a Jewish mother joke, but is that behavior only reserved for Jewish moms? Don’t we all have a friend or relative who falls into the category of refusing offers of simple assistance? Frustrating, isn’t it? We so clearly see where others should accept our offers of help.

And what about our own selves and that offer of help thing? Seriously, we all like to offer help, but if we turn our gaze inward, it might feel a bit different. Do you accept offers of help, even on the simple stuff? It can be awfully difficult to just say yes.

And, taking this one more step; how easy is it to ask for help? Unless in extreme circumstances, it seems that many folks just don’t want to feel that they are inconveniencing anyone else. It occurs to me perhaps that is a contributing factor to smartphone popularity. With a smartphone, you don’t need to ask anyone for anything. Just stare down at that screen and get answers. Especially for directions. GPS technology certainly has made a lot of folk feel a great deal more independent, freed from the burden of asking. For anything. And that is perhaps the crux of it; not asking for or accepting help gives us the feeling of independence and strength.

And yet, we still offer help to others, and truly wish those offers would be accepted.

Jewish tradition has written that the world stands on three things; Torah (laws), service to God and acts of lovingkindness. That’s not a typo; the normal translation for the Hebrew word “g’milut chasadim” is “acts of lovingkindness.” The connotation is to do something for others without expectation of that action or favor returned. It’s simply reaching out and helping.

One of the writings notes that acts of LovingKindness are even greater than charity, because they can be done for others regardless of income and done with the gift of time, money or actions. It takes two for a successful offer of help. And the hard part seems to be in the accepting. After my mom could no longer drive, she would never admit that she needed or wanted to go somewhere. We got into a habit of making two trips out from the house each day, and ask mom if she had time to go with us to keep us company. She would usually go. However, if I ever asked if there was somewhere she needed to go, the answer was invariably, “No, I don’t want to trouble you.”

Those refusals are missed opportunities. In refusing, you shortchange others’ opportunity to do a good deed, and you are shortchanging your own chance of doing an act of Lovingkindness. Of allowing someone to feel good about helping others.

Refusing help, or not even asking, can cut you off from your own community. We are social beings and need interactions with others to thrive. Surely it is hubris, or false pride, to think we never need help.

Refusing offers of assistance deprives others the blessing of being a helper. Of being needed and doing a good deed.

We all smile at the joy we give a 4-year-old by asking him to sort through the wrapping paper to be sure nothing is accidentally thrown out. By asking for his help he feels needed and knows he’s doing a good deed. So, why can we not do the same by asking adults for help? This is not simplistic or demeaning, it’s being connected to our family and our community.

And if that nasty little voice of negativity suggests you are weak to ask for help? It is wrong. It is a sign of strength and confidence to reach out to your community, and give them the chance to do a good deed and share the joy of being connected. And as you accept the offer of help, you are magnifying that joy.

Surely sharing the blessing that is a life joined with others, is one of the most basic acts we can take in service to God.

This story was originally published November 20, 2015 at 4:22 PM with the headline "Words of Faith: It’s OK to accept help when you need it."