The mangling of English

The Jan. 11 Herald featured a column by Lynn Feigenbaum of The Virginian-Pilot up in Norfolk. In it she criticized people she sees as guilty of being far too wordy, leaning heavily upon cliches, doing a lousy job of spelling and frequently lapsing into repetition.

I completely agree with her. For some time now I've been convinced that the mangling of our English language continues to get progressively worserer and worserer. And that definitely includes speling. Not only can the last coupel of generations not spel, neither can a number of the teechers who' ve been tasked with teeching them speling. Our tax dollars at werk.

Another huge gripe of mine in this regard is the retirement of legitimate words in favor of goofy-sounding replacements.

Examples:

• Eclectic instead of varied. Question: So, Ed Sullivan had an eclectic show, and not a variety show?

• Obese instead of fat or overweight. "Our Little Brandon's fighting those obesity demons."

No he isn't, lady. The pudgy little slob's completely surrendered to them!

• Personal demons is a term used to describe the arrests of showbiz celebs who get busted for DUI, illegal drug use, assault, indecent exposure, etc. When John or Jane Doe are involved, they're described as either "crooks, suspects or perps." But if it's Britney or some other bubblegummer idol in the news, then he/she is "battling personal demons." And they immediately check into some rehab facility (translation: vacation spa) in Arizona for a few weeks of fun in the sun.

• Upscale. As opposed to pricey. Or snooty. This word's used constantly by real estate agents who are trying to sell $350K homes to people who can only afford $185K homes. It's also used to describe Starbucks and restaurants charging $35 for $18 steaks.

• Event. Everything these days is "an event": reduced prices on Toyotas, carpet sales, highway wrecks, etc. True story: A Charlotte TV weatherman recently tried to alert his audience to the likelihood of a rain shower by telling them to look out for a morning "liquid event."

• Undocumented workers. God forbid we say something as insensitive, cruel and demeaning as "illegal alien." Ergo, a crack dealer's an unlicensed pharmacist. And there are no bank robbers, only folks making unauthorized withdrawals. Come to think of it, I never actually went into a bar and got drunk. It was simply a case of being overserved by come careless barmaid. She victimized me!

• Victim. Everyone's a victim nowadays. Bubba applied for a payday loan, got it and is now on the hook for 350 percent interest. He's a victim. So is the gal who bought a toaster at Wal-Mart, then discovered when she plugged it in, it was defective. She's also a victim and deserves all the pity, sympathy and compassion we as a society can muster. And maybe toss in a lawyer for good measure.

Last year many were calling the Rutgers women's basketball team a bunch of victims, thanks to the crude remark made on the air by the mentally-challenged Don Imus. One of the players looked into the cameras during a press conference shortly after the incident and said that she'd been scarred for life. Hey, where do you cross the line between insulted and being victimized and/or scarred? And for life, to boot.

• Wow! Although this one seems to be fading ever so slightly from the scene, it's infected large segments of American society for the past couple of years. All ages, too. Watch 61-year-old Pat Sajak on Wheel of Fortune sometimes. He loves "Wow!" and uses it constantly. Duh! I say it's time to bring back "Holy cow!" but then I'd be accused of being an evangelical zealot and all 35 presidential candidate wannabes would come down on me with both feet. And they'd not let up until I checked myself into rehab. Perhaps Myrtle Beach or Hilton Head. I hear the rehab's extra good at both places.

I'm grateful to the folks at The Herald for allowing me to exorcise these personal demons. I feel a lot better, now that I've put them down on paper and explored each and every one. Keeping negative stuff bottled up inside is not a wise thing to do.

Oh wow! Like, I'm no longer feeling like a victim here. And that's a Martha Stewart good thing.

This weekly column features opposing views from readers. These opinions are contrary to those expressed on this page or which otherwise take issue with something that appears in The Herald. All commentaries submitted become the property of The Herald and may be republished in any format.

This story was originally published January 19, 2008 at 12:29 AM with the headline "The mangling of English."