James Werrell

What can we do to avoid surveillance?

I’ve got nothing to hide. Nonetheless, I am a little perturbed to learn that my appliances are spying on me.

What interest could they have in me? Except for my weekly seances with dead leaders from the past who now work for an interplanetary organization conspiring to take over the universe, I lead a normal, mostly dull life.

But since the news came out that machines spy on us, I have been nervous about everything I do inside my house. Did the microwave just catch me drinking out of a glass and then putting it back in the cupboard?

I hope not. The microwave is not my friend. It recently refused to heat up anything which, frankly, makes it virtually useless to me. Before that, it burned my popcorn.

I like my TV. It lets me manipulate it with only four different remote controls.

But sometimes when I turn it off, it still glows. That’s a little creepy.

I also don’t understand why it broadcasts all those terrible shows or why it makes me watch a 15-minute infomercial just to see the last 10 minutes of a bad movie. I’m sure it has reported back to its masters that I scream obscenities at it when it shows me that ad about mistreated dogs five times in a row, but I don’t care. Even if the machines are running things, it’s my house.

Still, I get especially nervous around the hairdryer. I hate taking a shower in front of it. I’m sure hairdryers are used to that sort of thing, but who else is seeing what the hairdryer sees?

I was especially shocked to learn that President Obama had tapped my refrigerator. Sick guy!

He shouldn’t be worried. I wasn’t going to spill the beans about his honorary membership in the dead leaders plot.

All the new technology makes spying by the government and other malevolent groups so much easier. Now our alarm clocks can record any secrets we might reveal when we talk in our sleep.

Cell phones! They can actually read our thoughts and, I suspect, they probably are responsible for inserting some weird thoughts into our heads. I’ve had a lot of those lately!

I don’t even go into the storage shed anymore. With the leaf blower, the lawn mower and the weed whacker in there, it makes me too edgy. My yard, by the way, is a jungle.

I felt more secure years ago when it was only the land-line telephone, the radio, the TV and all the light fixtures that were spying on me. I could avoid a lot of surveillance by wearing a colander on my head or just covering my few appliances with aluminum foil.

But I guess times have changed and we have no choice but to trade a little privacy for convenience. Nonetheless, it’s a shame our appliances have turned on us.

I still sort of like my TV, even if it does insist on trying to get me to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.”

I think my dishwasher still is on my side. It would call for help if Obama and his deep-state minions come after me.

At least I hope so. Otherwise, it’s just me and the toaster.

James Werrell is opinion page editor of The Herald.