Those new Barbies need male companions

Now that Mattel has introduced three new Barbie dolls to increase the diversity of the iconic line, a British fashion website has developed a mock line of Ken dolls, ostensibly to serve as fitting companions for the new Barbies. Here, let them tell you a little bit about themselves:

Traditional Ken

“So, yeah, the tattoos are something new. This one here, the tiger, I just got last week. It’s, like, my spirit animal.

“So, Traditional Barbie and I have been together for years now. I love her a lot. She’s cute, smart, funny, everything.

“But she doesn’t, you know, want to commit to anything permanent until I get a good job with benefits, which I totally understand. I need to be able to stand on my own.

“Maybe I could get into software design or something like that. I’m good with computers.

“Or I might try acting. I was in a play once.

“I guess I also need to move out of my parents’ house and get my own place.”

Tall Ken

“Being tall has its advantages. For one thing, it helped me snag Tall Barbie. We’ve always looked great as a couple.

“But tallness also has its downside. I like to cook, and when we’re visiting friends, and I’m prepping food, their counters are just way too low. By the end of the night, my back is killing me.

“By the way, please don’t ask me for the billionth time if I played basketball in college. The answer is no. I was never very good at sports.

“What I did do in college was study. That’s why I’m Dr. Ken now.

“It’s also why you see that shiny 2016 Barbie Dream ’Vette in the driveway.”

Petite Ken

“OK, don’t call me petite. It sounds wimpy.

“I’m fine with short. Call me short if you want. Doesn’t hurt my feelings.

“When I was a kid, they sometimes called me shrimp. I would say, ‘Yeah, well, I’m a jumbo shrimp.’ It would get a laugh, but it hurt inside.

“I’m no wimp, though. I can practically press my own weight. And I know some karate. If you’re in law enforcement – well, private security, but that’s law enforcement – you have to stay fit.

“I’ve been together with Petite Barbie for a while now. We’re good together. She says I have some anger issues I need to work through, but I think I’m making progress on that.

“It would help if people would stop calling me Petite Ken. Short, OK, but not petite. And don’t call me shrimp, ever, unless you want a taste of this pepper spray.”

Curvy Ken

“All right, I know, I know, I’ve put on a few pounds. But it’s been hard to eat right lately.

“Both Curvy Barbie and I have full-time jobs. I was spending maybe 50 or 60 hours a week at the office, which made it tough to schedule leisurely dinners with healthy food. So we ended up eating out, eating a lot of fast food.

“My whole family is big. My Dad, who was about 5-foot-8, ran close to 220 pounds his entire adult life. He ate whatever he wanted to, which was never broccoli. Unless it was smothered in melted cheese. But he lived to be 86.

“Over the past few months, Curvy Barbie and I have made a real effort to cut back on the processed food and eat more healthy stuff. We try to eat at home at least four nights a week, and it’s always organic, mostly vegetables.

“It seems like the diet that never ends. I can’t remember the last time I ate a potato. Sometimes I wish I could just follow in my Dad’s footsteps, eat whatever I feel like and not worry about it.

“But I really need to be there for Curvy Barbie. I need to support her in this. So, no potatoes, no cheese on the broccoli, no cheese on anything.

“But here, try some of this celery with hummus. It’s not bad.”

This story was originally published February 16, 2016 at 12:03 PM with the headline "Those new Barbies need male companions."